Mr. Percy Cat

When my husband left, he left Sage at the house for the 1st night. The next day he showed up and took her. I'm not a dog person, but I immediately missed her. Since then, I've been looking at getting another pet. I went to the shelter one day, but they were closed. A few days later, I found a Corgi for adoption in Salt Lake. I applied to adopt him, but by the time they got to my application, he was already placed in another home. I am on their approval list for 6 months, so I will continue to look. Until then, I might try to plant grass in my back yard and see if I can get it to grow. 

I also had a few friends offer me a kitten, but they just never felt quite right. I had almost decided to hold out for a munckin kitten, until I got on Facebook Saturday morning. Ashley Valley Community Cats announced it was adoption day at the Vernal and Orem Petco Stores. I commented and asked if they had any orange kittens. They had a few, including a pretty longhair one. I asked if that one would be in Vernal and they said yes. So without even applying my makeup, I headed that way.

I got there just a few minutes before they arrived with all the cats up for adoption. They were all so cute, but I was glad I had made up my mind before, or I might have adopted them all. As they were setting up the tables, one of the ladies asked if I was looking for a certain cat. I showed her the one on Facebook, only to discover that they had sent that one to Orem! But she said they had another one that looked pretty similar. She found Oliver and set us up in the play room to get acquainted. He immediately purred and I was immediately in love. I spent several minutes with him while I waited for them to finish setting everything up and once they weren't so busy, I went out and started the paperwork. $40 and thirty minutes later, he was mine. 

As expected, it took Gaby and Blue a few days to adjust. It also took me a few days to settle on a name. I tried several different names, but finally settled on Mr. Percy. I'm not sure why, but its probably because he purred for 3 days straight. 

I got him in hopes he would play with Blue so Blue would quit harassing Gaby so much, but it was actually Gaby who finally decided to be friends first. It took Blue another day before he didn't hiss each time Percy got close. 

I love this picture of Blue, so I had to include it in this post. My coffee table used to be in front of the couch, but I decided to push it against a wall. The cats seem to think it is now their personal spot; they are on there all the time. Actually, they are getting bad at being on other things they shouldn't be on either. They must know I don't enforce the rules as well as someone else used to. 

I think he has the prettiest eyes. 

I've loved having a new kitten. He's actually a little bit more calm then Blue or Gaby were as kittens. 

But he is quickly learning the habits of the others. Like how to beg when I am eating dinner. 

Gaby was trying to steal my roll. She later succeeded when I left to take a walk and forgot to put the extra ones away. I came back to a half eaten roll on the floor. 

Percy may be the new kitten, but Blue is still my baby boy. He gets jealous when I hold the new kitten. Blue is also still the one who always come when I call and to cuddle me at night. 

Aw, brothers. 5 minutes later, they were fighting, again, just like brothers. 

I came downstairs one day to hear Percy crying. I finally found him like this. I have no idea how he got in there and he had no idea how to get out. 

They make it very hard to study, but they also comfort me when I cry at night. They can be a pain at times, but they are worth it. Even when the automatic cat box quits and I have to go back to hand scooping it every day. Luckily, my cousin took pity on me and gave me hers. 

Daxsen's Birthday Card

The birthday card I sent to Daxsen for his birthday. 

I know the boys love getting mail, but his face is just priceless! I might have to start sending cards more often!

Daxsen's 1st Day of School

Last year, I was able to go with Vanessa and Valex to his very first day of school. This year, Vanessa invited me to go with her and Daxsen. 

Daxsen was the complete opposite of his brother. He was ready to GO! He pretty much ran the entire way there. When we told him to stop for pictures, he climbed the gate. He was sooooo excited!

And then he was over having his picture taken.

Daxsen has the same teacher that Valex did last year. I'm sure with her many years of teaching experience she has already learned that just because kids are siblings, doesn't mean they are the same. If not, she will learn that fast. 

Thanks Vanessa for letting me a part of this big day. 

Tyler's 7th Birthday

The card I sent to Tyler for his birthday. 

It breaks my heart I can't spend as much on nephew birthday's now. Or that I get to make the cake. Or be there for the party. I don't know if I will ever get used to not seeing them near as much and it kills me. 

I was able to go see Tyler a few days after his birthday to give him his gift. 

I hope I can continue to be an aunt to these sweet boys. I love them so much. 

The First 5 Weeks

When I went through my infertility, I kept most of it bottled up. Over the years, I learned there are so many that have the same struggles. But when we all keep silent, its easy to feel alone. As I face my upcoming divorce, again, I feel so alone. So I've decided to speak out more openly, in hopes of helping others who are in the same situation.

I do my best to keep on a happy face, but there are days I feel like I am dying inside. Not as much now, but those first few weeks were hell. Each morning I would wake up and wish that I had quit breathing during the night. Days would pass, and I would have no idea of what I had eaten or if I had done anything.

The first week, I got pulled over for running a stop sign. I drive that road several times a week, but all I could think that night was how I didn't want to go home to my empty home. When the officer asked if I was distracted, I broke down into tears. A few days later, I left the stove top on and melted a spatula in my favorite pan. I really felt like I was loosing my mind.

I lost 25 pounds within the first 4 weeks. The big term right now is to say you are releasing your fat, but honestly, I don't even know where those pounds went. I just know I woke up one day and my pants no longer fit. I'd go days living on just coffee and protein shakes. Even now, 5 weeks later, I've only cooked an actual meal 3 times. I usually end up eating out with friends once or twice a week, but even then, I have to make myself eat. I simply have no appetite anymore. Nothing appeals to me. My stomach has drastically shrunk to I will only about a quarter of what I used to before I fill full.

I'm strong enough to realize I can't continue on like this. Life goes on, whether you want it to or not. So I have done my best to do the same. When we lost our baby, it took me months to realize I needed to seek help. I did not want to make that mistake this time. Within weeks, I was in counseling. It has helped me immensely. Seeking help doesn't make you weak. It okay to admit you can't do it alone and that you need help.

I could go on and on about my amazing friends. I can't even count the number of shoulders I have cried on as they have helped me figure things out. Or the number of dinners I have crashed. Seriously, you guys have kept me alive.

By far, reclaiming my home as mine has been the best way to heal. I loved being a wife. I loved finding way to incorporate our love and lifestyles into one. My home was full of western decor and loving sayings. So when he left, it hurt to look at all those items. I quickly boxed them up, but then my home felt so empty.

My home. We talked about that at my last counseling appointment. Out of habit, I continue to use terms like "ours", but those no longer apply. So I'm working on using "mine". I love my home and what it is becoming. Each time I add a new decoration, or reorganize a room, it feels more and more like my home.

Friday was very bitter sweet. After 5 weeks, we finally set up a time for him to come remove his possessions. I actually had most of it already boxed up and ready to go because looking at it hurt too much. But there were still the bigger items scattered throughout the house. I knew I couldn't fully move on until those items were gone. But I also knew that once they were gone, everything would feel more final. That was another thing we talked about in counseling last week. With his stuff still there, it left the impression he could come back. But I'm not willing to be a back up plan, so it was time for it to be gone.

I think the hardest part was seeing his dad. It made me realize how much I miss his family. They were my family for 15 years. It was good to see him, and I wish we could have visited more. I hope I can find a way to keep in contact with his family when the dust has settled. (I should have listed in the divorce that I got them every other holiday.)

After they left, I sat and cried. I keep telling myself he's not worth the tears. But still, my heart breaks over all of this. Until papers were signed, I asked him to work things out. I've quickly learned it takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. I can fight this all I want, but if he isn't willing, there is nothing I can do.

After I shed my tears, I decided to organize my spare room. I didn't get far before exhaustion set in. I have spent weeks crying, stressing over paperwork and stressing over the removal of his items, that I just couldn't think beyond those points. But with it all gone, my body was ready to just sleep.

I worked in my spare room again on Saturday. I was doing fine, until I found old anniversary cards and old journals. Then I just lost it again. I still don't understand how someone can just walk away like that.

Yesterday, at church, I spent the service praying for him. Not for him to come back, but for his heart and soul. Watching him change into a bitter, angry man who is a shell of the man I loved has been the worst. I look at him and wonder what happened to the man I knew and loved.

Living Room

Thanks to some wonderful friends, I have been able to redecorate my living room. I might add a few more things, but I love that this space is all mine now. 

  

When I got my new couch, I moved the furniture around. The coffee table used to be in front of the couch, but it just made the room feel small. I pushed it to a wall and that really opened the room up.

This wall hanging was what I loved most out of what Jana gave me. He still has most of his stuff in my house, including hunting heads. I was going to wait until he came to get everything this weekend, but I decided I was done looking at the deer and antelope hanging on my walls. So I took them down and hung other things instead. It will be such a relief when he gets all of his possessions out of my home. 

On Saturday, Andrew let me know that they had this cute end table in that matched the rest of my furniture. With the coffee table against the wall, I've missed having a space for my water and the TV remotes. So I bought the end table to go next to my couch. I've slowly been buying this furniture set for years now. I think all I have left to buy is the bed and the night stand for my bedroom. They also have a table, but its too big for my little kitchen. 

Redecorating my home has been one of my joys during this storm. Thanks to everyone that has made it possible. I truly am blessed.