Thank you

 When this is all over, I'm going to need to write thank you cards. People have been so kind to me during this trial, I don't even know how to thank them. 

These two things were done without a name attached, so thank you to whomever you are. The flowers were delivered to work a week after the jerk left me. Your kindness touched me. Thank you.

Later, that same day, I had to run out to my car for a minute. When I came back, I found this kind sign on my printer. I have loved it so much it now hangs on my wall. Thank you. 

Nights are by far the hardest part of the day. The first few nights, I couldn't even make myself climb under the covers. I just slept on top with a small blanket to keep me warm. So when one friend asked how they could help me, I told them I needed a large blanket I could cuddle into. She checked with her sister and asked her to make me a large minky blanket. (Seriously, this family is the best!) I am in love with this blanket. It has held me through many tears and will continue to do so as God heals my broken heart. 

I was going to order new bedding, but I have decided to get a new bed first. This bed is too large for just me and I'm ready to downsize. But until then, this blanket is perfect to keep me warm at night. One day, I hope to be strong again and be able to help others as they face something difficult the way my friends have helped me. 

Fear Not

Deciding on a divorce was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I don't understand how someone can just walk away after 15 years. I'd have days where I felt like I should hold out and see if we could work things out. But those thought always led to panic attacks. Then I would have days where I felt like I needed to do everything I could to protect myself and file for divorce. As much as I hated those thoughts, they always led to peace. 

I hated being the one to end my marriage. But I now realize that he was the one that ended it when he decided to start dating online. He didn't leave until July, but the second he started his secret, online life, he had already checked out of our marriage. I also realized that even though he asked for the divorce, he would never follow through on it. He was already living his new life, but I was the one that would remained tied down. 

I spent hours in prayer trying to find the right answer. I felt like if I was the one that filed, God would be mad at me. But then I read in the Mathew chapter 5 and I knew it was okay. I did the very best I could to save my marriage and God knew that. He knew my heart and He knew the pain I was going through.

God's timing is always perfect. Within the hour I had made the decision to follow through with the divorce, He sent me an angel through a friend at work. She had seen this bracelet and thought of me. She helped affirm my answer that even though I have no idea what lies ahead of me, I need not fear because God is always with me. 

UBIC Parade

Each year, my church, Roosevelt Christian Assembly, sponsors a free pancake breakfast before the UBIC parade. I was out of town last year, so I was excited to help this year. I've never been a big fan of pancakes, but I made enough that day to make up for all the years I've been cooking. (I heard we fed over 350 people!)

I loved watching the sunrise that morning. It was gorgeous!

As we started to clean up, I found out the boys were part of the parade with their mom Pamela, so I walked over to watch for them. I hadn't been to a parade in years, so it was fun. Seeing my nephews was the highlight, but I also enjoyed helping the group I was with collect candy. 

New Couch

 As I start this new stage of my life, I am excited to make my home all about me. I've always had to decorate around hunting heads and a lot of my other decor was western themed. I didn't love it, but I always did my best to make it feel like our home. 

I realize I'll have to do everything in stages, I can't afford to change everything at once. I have big plans. A new bed and bedding, a kitchen table, and a couch are the biggest items. I also want to redo my bathrooms and maybe add a few shelves in my spare bedroom and upstairs bathroom. I figured it would take me a while to afford these items, but last week I decided I hated my couch and I couldn't stand it another day. 

Before we got this couch, it belonged to a family with 5 children. He loved how long it was, but I hated how the cushions were so flat. Over the last year, I had decided it was the most uncomfortable couch ever, but there was always something else I wanted, so I put off looking for a new one. 

Last Sunday, I had the urge to move my furniture around my living room. The funny part is I pushed the TV stand to each corner, but it ended up right back where it started. (But I did move my coffee table and sofa table around.) As I was moving things around, I kept thinking about how much I hated that couch. So I went to a Facebook yard sale group and started looking. I didn't think I'd find anything, but then I stumbled across a black leather love seat. It was perfect!

I spoke with the lady and let her know I was interested, but I would need to find someone to haul it for me. I had a few friends volunteer, but it would be a day or two before they could. She said she didn't mind delivering it, but she had another person interested; they were just trying to find the money. So I ran to the bank and pulled out the money and told her I'd take it. 

When she delivered it, I thanked her for being an answer to my prayer. Having a new piece of furniture is just what I needed. I had received my divorce paperwork to review on Friday, but I kept putting it off. I wasn't ready to face it yet. But as I sat on my new couch, I realized that I can do this. I can start over and make a new life for myself. 

Blue is obsessed with the new couch. He loves to roll around on it.

I actually didn't get rid of the old couch for a few days, so I had to shove it in my hallway. It was like going through an obstacle course to get to my kitchen. Gaby doesn't like change, so she continued to sit on the old couch until it was gone. Only then, did she finally check out the new couch. 

Seriously, Blue is such a nut.

Some days it is hard to be alone. But other days, I love discovering who I am on my own. This couch is only the beginning of my new life. 

New Beginnings

In the last month, I have changed light bulbs, unclogged my tub, changed my locks (well, watched as Heather changed my locks), hired a divorce lawyer, started counseling, secured my home so it will remain my home, paid all my bills on only my income, found new furniture, packed boxes (turns out I can turn my OCD off when its not my stuff), and started to redecorate my home. I even tried to adopt a dog, but he went to a different home. But I plan to keep looking.

I won't lie. I've also had days where I didn't eat anything and just cried all day. 

Some days, I'm terrified of what the future holds. I've never lived on my own. I went from living at home, to living as a wife. I've always known myself as a couple; I've never known myself as just me. But I'm also excited to figure out who I am on my own. 

No matter the day, good or bad, I cling to Jesus. He is my strength. I know that God has something awesome in store for me. I just needed to get rid of the garbage before I could receive it. 

I take it one day at a time. I've survived mostly on Isagenix protein shakes and coffee. I have only cooked twice, but I promise I do feed myself. Heather has made me promise to eat at least one real meal a day and I succeed at that most days. I miss cooking, but I just can't get into it right now. Hopefully soon. Baking is a happy place for me.

I'm down 25 pounds and hope to loose more. I also need to figure out an exercise routine so I don't put it all back on when I start to eat more like a normal person again.

I have found out who my real friends are (and even some who really aren't). They have showered me with love, prayers, support, food and other wonderful gifts. Each night I go to bed (wrapped in my amazing, soft blanket) and I thank God for blessing me with such amazing friends. Seriously, they are the best.

I've worked hard to remove traces of him and make my home my sanctuary. I now have my own "prayer closet" (watch War Room if you haven't) and I love spending time with God there each morning and night.

I'm beginning to see the endless possibilities of what lies before me. What once felt like the end of my life, now feels like just the beginning. That stars are my limits and I can't wait to find what makes me sparkle.