My tears

I thought I was okay. I had a few good days. Even my counselor told me I didn't need to come back; she thought I was doing well. I could just call if I decided I needed another appointment.

And then last week, it all came rushing back in. He left. He just packed a bag and walked out on me. On us. I knew him for half my life. He was the happiest part of my life. I loved him. I still do. But he changed. The fun man I loved turned into a hard, unfeeling stone. 

I didn't keep track, but I bet I went 7-10 days without crying. He wasn't worth crying over. Or that's what I tried to tell myself. 

Then, last Thursday, it all came rushing back. The dam broke and the tears will not stop. I wish they would. But I swear, each time they start to dry up, they just start again. I am so tired of crying. I feel like I'll cry forever. I don't even know what triggered it all. I just started crying and now I can't stop. 

I was even eating some again. But it seems like the more I cry, the less I eat. And I cry all the time. 

It was days of tears before I could even admit to a friend how bad it is right now. I've tried so hard to be strong. I've done my best to keep it all in and to put on a happy face. I might have fooled the world, but I can't seem to fool myself.

Can a heart ever stop breaking? Will the pain ever stop? Will I ever be happy again? 

Jesus seems to be my only source of comfort. I seek His peace continually. I spend hours on my knees, begging for His comfort and His peace. I've prayed for my husband to come back. I've prayed for the pain to stop. I've prayed that my love will just dry up and no longer exist. I've prayed for release. I pray and cry until I exhausted enough that I can finally sleep. 

Each morning, I wake up from a fitful sleep and tell myself I will do better today. But it's just a lie I tell myself. As the day progresses, the tears start again and as the night comes, I find myself on my knees again. I know this will pass. I know God will restore my joy. I know that someday this pain will seem like nothing. I trust His plan. His love is unfailing. He is always faithful. Without God, I would give up. Without Him, I would be lost. 

Daxsen's 5th Birthday

Daxsen wanted a dinosaur cake for his birthday.  I was thrilled he liked the dinosaur cake pan I had so I could use it again. (I also used it for his 1st birthday. He was so small back then!)

I found a dinosaur toy that was similar to the one I got for Valex. 

He loved it!

Can we just take a moment and acknowledge how good I am looking. I hope to be down a few more pounds before the divorce is final. 

Random Divorce Thoughts

Just a rambling of the thoughts that have passed through my head recently.

Last weekend was the first good weekend I've had since he left 6 weeks ago. It was nice to feel happy again. It wasn't anything major. Thursday night, I joined some friends for prayer and dinner. Friday I went to the city and did some shopping with Jessica. I had saved up some money to buy more decorations for my home. Then I splurged on a few pieces of jewelry. I joked that I was decorating my home and myself. We lucked out and hit some awesome sales, so my money went a lot further than I thought it would. But my favorite purchase was some rings. I have felt so naked without my wedding ring on. But when I put the rings on my left hand, they felt foreign, so I guess I'm finally getting used to it.

On Saturday, I finally broke down and got a new kitten. I finally felt like I was in a better emotional state to fully appreciate it. And to understand the responsibility that would come with it. My automatic cat box broke a few weeks ago, so I'm back to hand cleaning the litter box every day. I plan to buy a new one, but I decided to buy an end table for my couch instead. (It was worth it!) And now I have to take care of some college stuff. But hopefully soon. At least this time, I will fully appreciate having an automatic cat box.

Saturday afternoon, I was walking when the Cairoli's called to invite me to dinner. I'm pretty sure I end up eating, at least once, with their family every week. I sure hope they never get tired of me. Some weeks, that is the only time I eat real food. I would be lost without my wonderful friends.

Sunday, during worship, I caught myself smiling. Genuinely smiling. When I realized I was happy and smiling, I smiled even more. I still have hard times, but they are now mixed in with happiness. God has restored my joy.

That has defiantly been one of the positive things to come out of this situation. I feel like my relationship with God has exploded. I can now see that I was holding myself back. I didn't want religion to affect my marriage, so I kept my yearnings for God suppressed down some. If the enemy thought this would break me, he was wrong. It has only brought me closer to Jesus.

I've had 2 nephews have birthdays since he left. It kills me I don't have the money to spend on them like I used to. I've always known I spoiled them, but now, I can really tell just how much. It about broke my heart to buy each boy just one toy. I also didn't get to make a birthday cake for one of them. I missed that.

I think of odd things I wish I could've asked for in the divorce. Realistically, I know I couldn't of. But it would've been nice. I would have asked for coffee-mony. I used to go get some 2-3 times a week, but now I just go on Sundays before church. I also should have asked for nephew-support. Really, three of them are his nephews, so it could've saved him the hassle of shopping for them. I would have even signed his name on the card. And I should have asked for rotating holidays with my in-laws. I'm so bummed I don't get to eat Thanksgiving at grandma Vonne's anymore.

The holidays, I'm already stressing over those and they are months away. At times I think about just going away and skipping them. Sometimes I think I'll want to be around people, but then I get severe anxiety and think about running away instead. I guess I'll figure it out as it gets closer.

I'm trying to get in shape. I've mentioned before how I drastically lost weight the first month. I don't want to put it back on and I also hope to loose some more. I'm also thinking about going on a hike in the Grand Canyon, so I need to be in shape for that. So I've started walking more at night. I was walking a few days a week, but now I'm trying to walk every night. That is when I miss having a dog. Sage wasn't the easiest dog to walk, but its less fun now on nights I walk by myself. I'm tossing around the idea of a dog, but I am going to wait for now. Maybe if the perfect one comes along.

I started back to school this week. I'm excited to have some order back in my life. The weekends have been sooo long. Hopefully the homework will fill that time and I won't feel so lonely. It about broke the bank, but I decided to sign up for 3 classes this semester instead of 2. I hope I'm not biting off more than I can handle, but I feel like it will help fill up the time. And, it puts me that much closer to graduation. Some days it feels like I'll be in college forever.

I'm really bummed I didn't get to go camping this summer. I pushed myself to finish my summer classes early so we could get in a few camping trips. But instead I spent that time trying to piece my life back together. I keep telling myself at least my classes were over so I didn't have to worry about them, but then it just stabs even more that I had made plans for us all while he was making plans only for him. When I think of all the things I did or planned over the last few months, I just get mad. There are so many things I would have done differently, money I would have not spent if I had known what he was up to and how he planned to walk out on me. Shoot, I seriously looked at a camper in May and he was going to let me take on that debt without saying a word.

I'm still not eating often, but I am trying to be better. Yesterday I bought lunch at my favorite coffee shop. I've been wanting to try it, but just haven't. It was good, but I only ate half and then I was full. So I saved the other half and ate it today. My goal is one meal, that isn't a protein shake, at least once a day. I probably stick to this 4-5 days a week. I'm still a work in progress.

I am happy to say I'm slowly getting my desire back to be in my kitchen. Last night, I was asked to provide cupcakes for the church youth group. Of course I said yes. And then I decided to make extra for bible study. It would seem that I know my church group has a weakness for cupcakes, but they have also figured out I have a weakness to make cupcakes. It really is a win-win situation.

I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss having someone to text during the day when something happens, or when I just want to say hi. I miss having my best friend. But the silence is better than the lies. So I guess I miss the habit of being married. Some have asked if I would take him back. The answer is, I would consider it, but only after he got right with God.

Which brings me to dating. A few have asked if I will right away. I will admit, I've thought about it. I wasn't made to be alone. I look to the future, and I just can't see myself alone. But I feel stuck right now between the land of married and not married. I've told myself he has moved on, I should too. But I just can't. I know that I am still legally married and so I feel like I am bound to honor that commitment. Even to the bitter end. So I am counting down the weeks until the divorce should be final. (Roughly 11 weeks, give or take on when the judge signs off.) I get excited and nervous when I think about dating. Again, I guess I'll just figure it out as it gets closer.

That being said, I have started a list of what I want to look for:
-First, and most importantly, I want a man who loves God above all else. I'm not willing to budge on that. Last night, at prayer group, a husband prayed for his wife and all I could think was "I want that." I want a man who is chasing after God.
-I want romance. I don't believe its dead. He actually did pretty good in that department. We always kissed goodbye and good night. When I would slow down, he would get the door for me. But I also want random things, like flowers, for no reason. Or phone calls, just to say I love you. Maybe its because I've cried so much the last few weeks, but I keep thinking, I want a man who will ruin my lipstick, not my mascara.
-Someone who likes to travel. There is so much I would love to see, but I was always content to stay close to home. But maybe this time around I can find someone who will be open to going to not just the mountains, but also the beach.
-Must love cats. That's almost as important as, must love God.
-Open to the idea of having babies. Honestly, I think this could be a possibility for me again and it excites me.

After that, I'm sure I'll look for a few other things, but they won't be as important.
-I'm attracted to a man with broad shoulders. And gorgeous eyes. And I wouldn't say no to a full head of hair.
-Enjoys cooking. That is something I enjoyed before and I hope to be able to enjoy it again.
-Will be my quality control when I try new recipes and cupcakes.
-Will spoil me as much as I spoil my nephews.

Its not a complete list, but it is a good start.

Mr. Percy Cat

When my husband left, he left Sage at the house for the 1st night. The next day he showed up and took her. I'm not a dog person, but I immediately missed her. Since then, I've been looking at getting another pet. I went to the shelter one day, but they were closed. A few days later, I found a Corgi for adoption in Salt Lake. I applied to adopt him, but by the time they got to my application, he was already placed in another home. I am on their approval list for 6 months, so I will continue to look. Until then, I might try to plant grass in my back yard and see if I can get it to grow. 

I also had a few friends offer me a kitten, but they just never felt quite right. I had almost decided to hold out for a munckin kitten, until I got on Facebook Saturday morning. Ashley Valley Community Cats announced it was adoption day at the Vernal and Orem Petco Stores. I commented and asked if they had any orange kittens. They had a few, including a pretty longhair one. I asked if that one would be in Vernal and they said yes. So without even applying my makeup, I headed that way.

I got there just a few minutes before they arrived with all the cats up for adoption. They were all so cute, but I was glad I had made up my mind before, or I might have adopted them all. As they were setting up the tables, one of the ladies asked if I was looking for a certain cat. I showed her the one on Facebook, only to discover that they had sent that one to Orem! But she said they had another one that looked pretty similar. She found Oliver and set us up in the play room to get acquainted. He immediately purred and I was immediately in love. I spent several minutes with him while I waited for them to finish setting everything up and once they weren't so busy, I went out and started the paperwork. $40 and thirty minutes later, he was mine. 

As expected, it took Gaby and Blue a few days to adjust. It also took me a few days to settle on a name. I tried several different names, but finally settled on Mr. Percy. I'm not sure why, but its probably because he purred for 3 days straight. 

I got him in hopes he would play with Blue so Blue would quit harassing Gaby so much, but it was actually Gaby who finally decided to be friends first. It took Blue another day before he didn't hiss each time Percy got close. 

I love this picture of Blue, so I had to include it in this post. My coffee table used to be in front of the couch, but I decided to push it against a wall. The cats seem to think it is now their personal spot; they are on there all the time. Actually, they are getting bad at being on other things they shouldn't be on either. They must know I don't enforce the rules as well as someone else used to. 

I think he has the prettiest eyes. 

I've loved having a new kitten. He's actually a little bit more calm then Blue or Gaby were as kittens. 

But he is quickly learning the habits of the others. Like how to beg when I am eating dinner. 

Gaby was trying to steal my roll. She later succeeded when I left to take a walk and forgot to put the extra ones away. I came back to a half eaten roll on the floor. 

Percy may be the new kitten, but Blue is still my baby boy. He gets jealous when I hold the new kitten. Blue is also still the one who always come when I call and to cuddle me at night. 

Aw, brothers. 5 minutes later, they were fighting, again, just like brothers. 

I came downstairs one day to hear Percy crying. I finally found him like this. I have no idea how he got in there and he had no idea how to get out. 

They make it very hard to study, but they also comfort me when I cry at night. They can be a pain at times, but they are worth it. Even when the automatic cat box quits and I have to go back to hand scooping it every day. Luckily, my cousin took pity on me and gave me hers. 

Daxsen's Birthday Card

The birthday card I sent to Daxsen for his birthday. 

I know the boys love getting mail, but his face is just priceless! I might have to start sending cards more often!

Daxsen's 1st Day of School

Last year, I was able to go with Vanessa and Valex to his very first day of school. This year, Vanessa invited me to go with her and Daxsen. 

Daxsen was the complete opposite of his brother. He was ready to GO! He pretty much ran the entire way there. When we told him to stop for pictures, he climbed the gate. He was sooooo excited!

And then he was over having his picture taken.

Daxsen has the same teacher that Valex did last year. I'm sure with her many years of teaching experience she has already learned that just because kids are siblings, doesn't mean they are the same. If not, she will learn that fast. 

Thanks Vanessa for letting me a part of this big day.