Friday, September 9, 2016

My tears

I thought I was okay. I had a few good days. Even my counselor told me I didn't need to come back; she thought I was doing well. I could just call if I decided I needed another appointment.

And then last week, it all came rushing back in. He left. He just packed a bag and walked out on me. On us. I knew him for half my life. He was the happiest part of my life. I loved him. I still do. But he changed. The fun man I loved turned into a hard, unfeeling stone. 

I didn't keep track, but I bet I went 7-10 days without crying. He wasn't worth crying over. Or that's what I tried to tell myself. 

Then, last Thursday, it all came rushing back. The dam broke and the tears will not stop. I wish they would. But I swear, each time they start to dry up, they just start again. I am so tired of crying. I feel like I'll cry forever. I don't even know what triggered it all. I just started crying and now I can't stop. 

I was even eating some again. But it seems like the more I cry, the less I eat. And I cry all the time. 

It was days of tears before I could even admit to a friend how bad it is right now. I've tried so hard to be strong. I've done my best to keep it all in and to put on a happy face. I might have fooled the world, but I can't seem to fool myself.

Can a heart ever stop breaking? Will the pain ever stop? Will I ever be happy again? 

Jesus seems to be my only source of comfort. I seek His peace continually. I spend hours on my knees, begging for His comfort and His peace. I've prayed for my husband to come back. I've prayed for the pain to stop. I've prayed that my love will just dry up and no longer exist. I've prayed for release. I pray and cry until I exhausted enough that I can finally sleep. 

Each morning, I wake up from a fitful sleep and tell myself I will do better today. But it's just a lie I tell myself. As the day progresses, the tears start again and as the night comes, I find myself on my knees again. I know this will pass. I know God will restore my joy. I know that someday this pain will seem like nothing. I trust His plan. His love is unfailing. He is always faithful. Without God, I would give up. Without Him, I would be lost. 

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