Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Random Divorce Thoughts

Just a rambling of the thoughts that have passed through my head recently.

Last weekend was the first good weekend I've had since he left 6 weeks ago. It was nice to feel happy again. It wasn't anything major. Thursday night, I joined some friends for prayer and dinner. Friday I went to the city and did some shopping with Jessica. I had saved up some money to buy more decorations for my home. Then I splurged on a few pieces of jewelry. I joked that I was decorating my home and myself. We lucked out and hit some awesome sales, so my money went a lot further than I thought it would. But my favorite purchase was some rings. I have felt so naked without my wedding ring on. But when I put the rings on my left hand, they felt foreign, so I guess I'm finally getting used to it.

On Saturday, I finally broke down and got a new kitten. I finally felt like I was in a better emotional state to fully appreciate it. And to understand the responsibility that would come with it. My automatic cat box broke a few weeks ago, so I'm back to hand cleaning the litter box every day. I plan to buy a new one, but I decided to buy an end table for my couch instead. (It was worth it!) And now I have to take care of some college stuff. But hopefully soon. At least this time, I will fully appreciate having an automatic cat box.

Saturday afternoon, I was walking when the Cairoli's called to invite me to dinner. I'm pretty sure I end up eating, at least once, with their family every week. I sure hope they never get tired of me. Some weeks, that is the only time I eat real food. I would be lost without my wonderful friends.

Sunday, during worship, I caught myself smiling. Genuinely smiling. When I realized I was happy and smiling, I smiled even more. I still have hard times, but they are now mixed in with happiness. God has restored my joy.

That has defiantly been one of the positive things to come out of this situation. I feel like my relationship with God has exploded. I can now see that I was holding myself back. I didn't want religion to affect my marriage, so I kept my yearnings for God suppressed down some. If the enemy thought this would break me, he was wrong. It has only brought me closer to Jesus.

I've had 2 nephews have birthdays since he left. It kills me I don't have the money to spend on them like I used to. I've always known I spoiled them, but now, I can really tell just how much. It about broke my heart to buy each boy just one toy. I also didn't get to make a birthday cake for one of them. I missed that.

I think of odd things I wish I could've asked for in the divorce. Realistically, I know I couldn't of. But it would've been nice. I would have asked for coffee-mony. I used to go get some 2-3 times a week, but now I just go on Sundays before church. I also should have asked for nephew-support. Really, three of them are his nephews, so it could've saved him the hassle of shopping for them. I would have even signed his name on the card. And I should have asked for rotating holidays with my in-laws. I'm so bummed I don't get to eat Thanksgiving at grandma Vonne's anymore.

The holidays, I'm already stressing over those and they are months away. At times I think about just going away and skipping them. Sometimes I think I'll want to be around people, but then I get severe anxiety and think about running away instead. I guess I'll figure it out as it gets closer.

I'm trying to get in shape. I've mentioned before how I drastically lost weight the first month. I don't want to put it back on and I also hope to loose some more. I'm also thinking about going on a hike in the Grand Canyon, so I need to be in shape for that. So I've started walking more at night. I was walking a few days a week, but now I'm trying to walk every night. That is when I miss having a dog. Sage wasn't the easiest dog to walk, but its less fun now on nights I walk by myself. I'm tossing around the idea of a dog, but I am going to wait for now. Maybe if the perfect one comes along.

I started back to school this week. I'm excited to have some order back in my life. The weekends have been sooo long. Hopefully the homework will fill that time and I won't feel so lonely. It about broke the bank, but I decided to sign up for 3 classes this semester instead of 2. I hope I'm not biting off more than I can handle, but I feel like it will help fill up the time. And, it puts me that much closer to graduation. Some days it feels like I'll be in college forever.

I'm really bummed I didn't get to go camping this summer. I pushed myself to finish my summer classes early so we could get in a few camping trips. But instead I spent that time trying to piece my life back together. I keep telling myself at least my classes were over so I didn't have to worry about them, but then it just stabs even more that I had made plans for us all while he was making plans only for him. When I think of all the things I did or planned over the last few months, I just get mad. There are so many things I would have done differently, money I would have not spent if I had known what he was up to and how he planned to walk out on me. Shoot, I seriously looked at a camper in May and he was going to let me take on that debt without saying a word.

I'm still not eating often, but I am trying to be better. Yesterday I bought lunch at my favorite coffee shop. I've been wanting to try it, but just haven't. It was good, but I only ate half and then I was full. So I saved the other half and ate it today. My goal is one meal, that isn't a protein shake, at least once a day. I probably stick to this 4-5 days a week. I'm still a work in progress.

I am happy to say I'm slowly getting my desire back to be in my kitchen. Last night, I was asked to provide cupcakes for the church youth group. Of course I said yes. And then I decided to make extra for bible study. It would seem that I know my church group has a weakness for cupcakes, but they have also figured out I have a weakness to make cupcakes. It really is a win-win situation.

I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss having someone to text during the day when something happens, or when I just want to say hi. I miss having my best friend. But the silence is better than the lies. So I guess I miss the habit of being married. Some have asked if I would take him back. The answer is, I would consider it, but only after he got right with God.

Which brings me to dating. A few have asked if I will right away. I will admit, I've thought about it. I wasn't made to be alone. I look to the future, and I just can't see myself alone. But I feel stuck right now between the land of married and not married. I've told myself he has moved on, I should too. But I just can't. I know that I am still legally married and so I feel like I am bound to honor that commitment. Even to the bitter end. So I am counting down the weeks until the divorce should be final. (Roughly 11 weeks, give or take on when the judge signs off.) I get excited and nervous when I think about dating. Again, I guess I'll just figure it out as it gets closer.

That being said, I have started a list of what I want to look for:
-First, and most importantly, I want a man who loves God above all else. I'm not willing to budge on that. Last night, at prayer group, a husband prayed for his wife and all I could think was "I want that." I want a man who is chasing after God.
-I want romance. I don't believe its dead. He actually did pretty good in that department. We always kissed goodbye and good night. When I would slow down, he would get the door for me. But I also want random things, like flowers, for no reason. Or phone calls, just to say I love you. Maybe its because I've cried so much the last few weeks, but I keep thinking, I want a man who will ruin my lipstick, not my mascara.
-Someone who likes to travel. There is so much I would love to see, but I was always content to stay close to home. But maybe this time around I can find someone who will be open to going to not just the mountains, but also the beach.
-Must love cats. That's almost as important as, must love God.
-Open to the idea of having babies. Honestly, I think this could be a possibility for me again and it excites me.

After that, I'm sure I'll look for a few other things, but they won't be as important.
-I'm attracted to a man with broad shoulders. And gorgeous eyes. And I wouldn't say no to a full head of hair.
-Enjoys cooking. That is something I enjoyed before and I hope to be able to enjoy it again.
-Will be my quality control when I try new recipes and cupcakes.
-Will spoil me as much as I spoil my nephews.

Its not a complete list, but it is a good start.

Mr. Percy Cat

When my husband left, he left Sage at the house for the 1st night. The next day he showed up and took her. I'm not a dog person, but I immediately missed her. Since then, I've been looking at getting another pet. I went to the shelter one day, but they were closed. A few days later, I found a Corgi for adoption in Salt Lake. I applied to adopt him, but by the time they got to my application, he was already placed in another home. I am on their approval list for 6 months, so I will continue to look. Until then, I might try to plant grass in my back yard and see if I can get it to grow. 

I also had a few friends offer me a kitten, but they just never felt quite right. I had almost decided to hold out for a munckin kitten, until I got on Facebook Saturday morning. Ashley Valley Community Cats announced it was adoption day at the Vernal and Orem Petco Stores. I commented and asked if they had any orange kittens. They had a few, including a pretty longhair one. I asked if that one would be in Vernal and they said yes. So without even applying my makeup, I headed that way.

I got there just a few minutes before they arrived with all the cats up for adoption. They were all so cute, but I was glad I had made up my mind before, or I might have adopted them all. As they were setting up the tables, one of the ladies asked if I was looking for a certain cat. I showed her the one on Facebook, only to discover that they had sent that one to Orem! But she said they had another one that looked pretty similar. She found Oliver and set us up in the play room to get acquainted. He immediately purred and I was immediately in love. I spent several minutes with him while I waited for them to finish setting everything up and once they weren't so busy, I went out and started the paperwork. $40 and thirty minutes later, he was mine. 

As expected, it took Gaby and Blue a few days to adjust. It also took me a few days to settle on a name. I tried several different names, but finally settled on Mr. Percy. I'm not sure why, but its probably because he purred for 3 days straight. 

I got him in hopes he would play with Blue so Blue would quit harassing Gaby so much, but it was actually Gaby who finally decided to be friends first. It took Blue another day before he didn't hiss each time Percy got close. 

I love this picture of Blue, so I had to include it in this post. My coffee table used to be in front of the couch, but I decided to push it against a wall. The cats seem to think it is now their personal spot; they are on there all the time. Actually, they are getting bad at being on other things they shouldn't be on either. They must know I don't enforce the rules as well as someone else used to. 

I think he has the prettiest eyes. 

I've loved having a new kitten. He's actually a little bit more calm then Blue or Gaby were as kittens. 

But he is quickly learning the habits of the others. Like how to beg when I am eating dinner. 

Gaby was trying to steal my roll. She later succeeded when I left to take a walk and forgot to put the extra ones away. I came back to a half eaten roll on the floor. 

Percy may be the new kitten, but Blue is still my baby boy. He gets jealous when I hold the new kitten. Blue is also still the one who always come when I call and to cuddle me at night. 

Aw, brothers. 5 minutes later, they were fighting, again, just like brothers. 

I came downstairs one day to hear Percy crying. I finally found him like this. I have no idea how he got in there and he had no idea how to get out. 

They make it very hard to study, but they also comfort me when I cry at night. They can be a pain at times, but they are worth it. Even when the automatic cat box quits and I have to go back to hand scooping it every day. Luckily, my cousin took pity on me and gave me hers. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Daxsen's Birthday Card

The birthday card I sent to Daxsen for his birthday. 

I know the boys love getting mail, but his face is just priceless! I might have to start sending cards more often!

Daxsen's 1st Day of School

Last year, I was able to go with Vanessa and Valex to his very first day of school. This year, Vanessa invited me to go with her and Daxsen. 

Daxsen was the complete opposite of his brother. He was ready to GO! He pretty much ran the entire way there. When we told him to stop for pictures, he climbed the gate. He was sooooo excited!

And then he was over having his picture taken.

Daxsen has the same teacher that Valex did last year. I'm sure with her many years of teaching experience she has already learned that just because kids are siblings, doesn't mean they are the same. If not, she will learn that fast. 

Thanks Vanessa for letting me a part of this big day. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Tyler's 7th Birthday

The card I sent to Tyler for his birthday. 

It breaks my heart I can't spend as much on nephew birthday's now. Or that I get to make the cake. Or be there for the party. I don't know if I will ever get used to not seeing them near as much and it kills me. 

I was able to go see Tyler a few days after his birthday to give him his gift. 

I hope I can continue to be an aunt to these sweet boys. I love them so much. 

Monday, August 22, 2016

The First 5 Weeks

When I went through my infertility, I kept most of it bottled up. Over the years, I learned there are so many that have the same struggles. But when we all keep silent, its easy to feel alone. As I face my upcoming divorce, again, I feel so alone. So I've decided to speak out more openly, in hopes of helping others who are in the same situation.

I do my best to keep on a happy face, but there are days I feel like I am dying inside. Not as much now, but those first few weeks were hell. Each morning I would wake up and wish that I had quit breathing during the night. Days would pass, and I would have no idea of what I had eaten or if I had done anything.

The first week, I got pulled over for running a stop sign. I drive that road several times a week, but all I could think that night was how I didn't want to go home to my empty home. When the officer asked if I was distracted, I broke down into tears. A few days later, I left the stove top on and melted a spatula in my favorite pan. I really felt like I was loosing my mind.

I lost 25 pounds within the first 4 weeks. The big term right now is to say you are releasing your fat, but honestly, I don't even know where those pounds went. I just know I woke up one day and my pants no longer fit. I'd go days living on just coffee and protein shakes. Even now, 5 weeks later, I've only cooked an actual meal 3 times. I usually end up eating out with friends once or twice a week, but even then, I have to make myself eat. I simply have no appetite anymore. Nothing appeals to me. My stomach has drastically shrunk to I will only about a quarter of what I used to before I fill full.

I'm strong enough to realize I can't continue on like this. Life goes on, whether you want it to or not. So I have done my best to do the same. When we lost our baby, it took me months to realize I needed to seek help. I did not want to make that mistake this time. Within weeks, I was in counseling. It has helped me immensely. Seeking help doesn't make you weak. It okay to admit you can't do it alone and that you need help.

I could go on and on about my amazing friends. I can't even count the number of shoulders I have cried on as they have helped me figure things out. Or the number of dinners I have crashed. Seriously, you guys have kept me alive.

By far, reclaiming my home as mine has been the best way to heal. I loved being a wife. I loved finding way to incorporate our love and lifestyles into one. My home was full of western decor and loving sayings. So when he left, it hurt to look at all those items. I quickly boxed them up, but then my home felt so empty.

My home. We talked about that at my last counseling appointment. Out of habit, I continue to use terms like "ours", but those no longer apply. So I'm working on using "mine". I love my home and what it is becoming. Each time I add a new decoration, or reorganize a room, it feels more and more like my home.

Friday was very bitter sweet. After 5 weeks, we finally set up a time for him to come remove his possessions. I actually had most of it already boxed up and ready to go because looking at it hurt too much. But there were still the bigger items scattered throughout the house. I knew I couldn't fully move on until those items were gone. But I also knew that once they were gone, everything would feel more final. That was another thing we talked about in counseling last week. With his stuff still there, it left the impression he could come back. But I'm not willing to be a back up plan, so it was time for it to be gone.

I think the hardest part was seeing his dad. It made me realize how much I miss his family. They were my family for 15 years. It was good to see him, and I wish we could have visited more. I hope I can find a way to keep in contact with his family when the dust has settled. (I should have listed in the divorce that I got them every other holiday.)

After they left, I sat and cried. I keep telling myself he's not worth the tears. But still, my heart breaks over all of this. Until papers were signed, I asked him to work things out. I've quickly learned it takes two people to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. I can fight this all I want, but if he isn't willing, there is nothing I can do.

After I shed my tears, I decided to organize my spare room. I didn't get far before exhaustion set in. I have spent weeks crying, stressing over paperwork and stressing over the removal of his items, that I just couldn't think beyond those points. But with it all gone, my body was ready to just sleep.

I worked in my spare room again on Saturday. I was doing fine, until I found old anniversary cards and old journals. Then I just lost it again. I still don't understand how someone can just walk away like that.

Yesterday, at church, I spent the service praying for him. Not for him to come back, but for his heart and soul. Watching him change into a bitter, angry man who is a shell of the man I loved has been the worst. I look at him and wonder what happened to the man I knew and loved.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Living Room

Thanks to some wonderful friends, I have been able to redecorate my living room. I might add a few more things, but I love that this space is all mine now. 
When I got my new couch, I moved the furniture around. The coffee table used to be in front of the couch, but it just made the room feel small. I pushed it to a wall and that really opened the room up.

This wall hanging was what I loved most out of what Jana gave me. He still has most of his stuff in my house, including hunting heads. I was going to wait until he came to get everything this weekend, but I decided I was done looking at the deer and antelope hanging on my walls. So I took them down and hung other things instead. It will be such a relief when he gets all of his possessions out of my home. 

On Saturday, Andrew let me know that they had this cute end table in that matched the rest of my furniture. With the coffee table against the wall, I've missed having a space for my water and the TV remotes. So I bought the end table to go next to my couch. I've slowly been buying this furniture set for years now. I think all I have left to buy is the bed and the night stand for my bedroom. They also have a table, but its too big for my little kitchen. 

Redecorating my home has been one of my joys during this storm. Thanks to everyone that has made it possible. I truly am blessed.