Just a rambling of the thoughts that have passed through my head recently.
Last weekend was the first good weekend I've had since he left 6 weeks ago. It was nice to feel happy again. It wasn't anything major. Thursday night, I joined some friends for prayer and dinner. Friday I went to the city and did some shopping with Jessica. I had saved up some money to buy more decorations for my home. Then I splurged on a few pieces of jewelry. I joked that I was decorating my home and myself. We lucked out and hit some awesome sales, so my money went a lot further than I thought it would. But my favorite purchase was some rings. I have felt so naked without my wedding ring on. But when I put the rings on my left hand, they felt foreign, so I guess I'm finally getting used to it.
On Saturday, I finally broke down and got a new kitten. I finally felt like I was in a better emotional state to fully appreciate it. And to understand the responsibility that would come with it. My automatic cat box broke a few weeks ago, so I'm back to hand cleaning the litter box every day. I plan to buy a new one, but I decided to buy an end table for my couch instead. (It was worth it!) And now I have to take care of some college stuff. But hopefully soon. At least this time, I will fully appreciate having an automatic cat box.
Saturday afternoon, I was walking when the Cairoli's called to invite me to dinner. I'm pretty sure I end up eating, at least once, with their family every week. I sure hope they never get tired of me. Some weeks, that is the only time I eat real food. I would be lost without my wonderful friends.
Sunday, during worship, I caught myself smiling. Genuinely smiling. When I realized I was happy and smiling, I smiled even more. I still have hard times, but they are now mixed in with happiness. God has restored my joy.
That has defiantly been one of the positive things to come out of this situation. I feel like my relationship with God has exploded. I can now see that I was holding myself back. I didn't want religion to affect my marriage, so I kept my yearnings for God suppressed down some. If the enemy thought this would break me, he was wrong. It has only brought me closer to Jesus.
I've had 2 nephews have birthdays since he left. It kills me I don't have the money to spend on them like I used to. I've always known I spoiled them, but now, I can really tell just how much. It about broke my heart to buy each boy just one toy. I also didn't get to make a birthday cake for one of them. I missed that.
I think of odd things I wish I could've asked for in the divorce. Realistically, I know I couldn't of. But it would've been nice. I would have asked for coffee-mony. I used to go get some 2-3 times a week, but now I just go on Sundays before church. I also should have asked for nephew-support. Really, three of them are his nephews, so it could've saved him the hassle of shopping for them. I would have even signed his name on the card. And I should have asked for rotating holidays with my in-laws. I'm so bummed I don't get to eat Thanksgiving at grandma Vonne's anymore.
The holidays, I'm already stressing over those and they are months away. At times I think about just going away and skipping them. Sometimes I think I'll want to be around people, but then I get severe anxiety and think about running away instead. I guess I'll figure it out as it gets closer.
I'm trying to get in shape. I've mentioned before how I drastically lost weight the first month. I don't want to put it back on and I also hope to loose some more. I'm also thinking about going on a hike in the Grand Canyon, so I need to be in shape for that. So I've started walking more at night. I was walking a few days a week, but now I'm trying to walk every night. That is when I miss having a dog. Sage wasn't the easiest dog to walk, but its less fun now on nights I walk by myself. I'm tossing around the idea of a dog, but I am going to wait for now. Maybe if the perfect one comes along.
I started back to school this week. I'm excited to have some order back in my life. The weekends have been sooo long. Hopefully the homework will fill that time and I won't feel so lonely. It about broke the bank, but I decided to sign up for 3 classes this semester instead of 2. I hope I'm not biting off more than I can handle, but I feel like it will help fill up the time. And, it puts me that much closer to graduation. Some days it feels like I'll be in college forever.
I'm really bummed I didn't get to go camping this summer. I pushed myself to finish my summer classes early so we could get in a few camping trips. But instead I spent that time trying to piece my life back together. I keep telling myself at least my classes were over so I didn't have to worry about them, but then it just stabs even more that I had made plans for us all while he was making plans only for him. When I think of all the things I did or planned over the last few months, I just get mad. There are so many things I would have done differently, money I would have not spent if I had known what he was up to and how he planned to walk out on me. Shoot, I seriously looked at a camper in May and he was going to let me take on that debt without saying a word.
I'm still not eating often, but I am trying to be better. Yesterday I bought lunch at my favorite coffee shop. I've been wanting to try it, but just haven't. It was good, but I only ate half and then I was full. So I saved the other half and ate it today. My goal is one meal, that isn't a protein shake, at least once a day. I probably stick to this 4-5 days a week. I'm still a work in progress.
I am happy to say I'm slowly getting my desire back to be in my kitchen. Last night, I was asked to provide cupcakes for the church youth group. Of course I said yes. And then I decided to make extra for bible study. It would seem that I know my church group has a weakness for cupcakes, but they have also figured out I have a weakness to make cupcakes. It really is a win-win situation.
I miss being married. I miss having someone to talk to at night. I miss having someone to text during the day when something happens, or when I just want to say hi. I miss having my best friend. But the silence is better than the lies. So I guess I miss the habit of being married. Some have asked if I would take him back. The answer is, I would consider it, but only after he got right with God.
Which brings me to dating. A few have asked if I will right away. I will admit, I've thought about it. I wasn't made to be alone. I look to the future, and I just can't see myself alone. But I feel stuck right now between the land of married and not married. I've told myself he has moved on, I should too. But I just can't. I know that I am still legally married and so I feel like I am bound to honor that commitment. Even to the bitter end. So I am counting down the weeks until the divorce should be final. (Roughly 11 weeks, give or take on when the judge signs off.) I get excited and nervous when I think about dating. Again, I guess I'll just figure it out as it gets closer.
That being said, I have started a list of what I want to look for:
-First, and most importantly, I want a man who loves God above all else. I'm not willing to budge on that. Last night, at prayer group, a husband prayed for his wife and all I could think was "I want that." I want a man who is chasing after God.
-I want romance. I don't believe its dead. He actually did pretty good in that department. We always kissed goodbye and good night. When I would slow down, he would get the door for me. But I also want random things, like flowers, for no reason. Or phone calls, just to say I love you. Maybe its because I've cried so much the last few weeks, but I keep thinking, I want a man who will ruin my lipstick, not my mascara.
-Someone who likes to travel. There is so much I would love to see, but I was always content to stay close to home. But maybe this time around I can find someone who will be open to going to not just the mountains, but also the beach.
-Must love cats. That's almost as important as, must love God.
-Open to the idea of having babies. Honestly, I think this could be a possibility for me again and it excites me.
After that, I'm sure I'll look for a few other things, but they won't be as important.
-I'm attracted to a man with broad shoulders. And gorgeous eyes. And I wouldn't say no to a full head of hair.
-Enjoys cooking. That is something I enjoyed before and I hope to be able to enjoy it again.
-Will be my quality control when I try new recipes and cupcakes.
-Will spoil me as much as I spoil my nephews.
Its not a complete list, but it is a good start.